THE RT HON LOL BORLA MP DELIVERS A QUESTIONABLE BUDGET
IS THE CHANCELLOR’S FIVE-FOLD SLAP THE BEGINNING OF ‘BLEAKONOMICS’ IN BRITAIN?
DILAN PATEL (FOUNDER & CHIEF EDITOR @ DIL)
DISS-CLAIMER
This piece is not intended to criticise or diss the policies or decisions of past, present, or future Chancellors of the Exchequer, nor is it intended to give advice, offend, or be utilised for any form of economic consulting. This piece is satirical, and its antagonist is fictional. DO NOT IMPLEMENT LOL BORLA’S FIVE-FOLD ‘PLAN’. On a serious starting note, we give our sincere congratulations to Rachel Jane Reeves, the first female Chancellor of the Exchequer!
THE RT HON LOL BORLA MP
In boxer shorts, three phat coats, and purple Crocs, the Chancellor of the Exchequer addressed the media today, delivering a baffling budget. It’s predicted to perpetuate Britain’s pantomime.
Lol Borla’s unconventional approach to politics has garnered international attention and outrage on X. “Even before the announcement, we all had a feeling that Lol was up to something,” the Prime Minister expressed. Borla’s antics are… odd (to say the least). The Playgate scandal involved Borla immersed in an online session of ‘Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2’, with two other government ministers, during working hours. Borla justified the sessions, stating that the UK’s Secretary of State for Defence needed “preparation for World War 3, should it be declared.” Moreover, Borla has been caught openly vaping in the House of Commons.
After showcasing the red budget box, Borla unlocked it, removing a Babybel and a Fruit Shoot. “Packed lunch,” exclaimed Borla, who proceeded to bite into the unwrapped cheese. “No Lol! That’s for the budget,” yelled the Prime Minister’s assistant (nicknamed ‘The Suspicious Shadow’), out of 10 Downing Street’s window. Confused, Borla located a tea-stained notebook, branded ‘Get Rich or Die Trying’, in the depths of his second coat. “Thank you for gathering here today to listen to the budget announcement.”
BORLA’S BUDGET
What followed was market mayhem triggered by a series of strange statements. The Chancellor’s five-fold strategy for Britain’s economy came from an ego more inflated than the Consumer Price Index (CPI).
Free the Robots
Borla will invest £250 million into a scheme called ‘Free the Robots’. The investment is expected to accelerate the automation of absolutely everything. Borla’s position will be unaffected. The d***head.
Lottery, Austerity and Prosperity
Borla has announced no increased spending on the NHS or public education. Born in Kensington, educated at Eton College, and treated by private doctors, Borla don’t need no public services.
Eazy Peezy
Borla will allocate £100 million to ‘Eazy Peezy’, a campaign for convincing the Bank of England to print infinite money (QE). It will involve a promotional music single featuring the very best WOAT rappers.
Sale of the Koh-i-Noor Diamond
In order to raise government revenue, Borla will make a business proposal to King Charles III; the sale of the Koh-i-Noor diamond, to India, at a ‘fair’ price (instead of returning it).
Friend Tax
Borla will introduce the ‘Friend Tax’ before year-end. Managers, who are found NOT to be giving employment to their friends, will be subject to rates upwards of 18%. A true manifestation of nepotism.
“I PREDICT A RIOT”
The decibels of protest are increasing. 20 news reporters were reported to have fainted during the announcement, presumably overwhelmed by premonitions of anarchy. However, for the 1%, every cloud does indeed have a bronze, silver, golden and platinum lining. Technology CEOs, robots, madvertisers, the monarchy, and idle offspring, are all beaming with pride in their Machiavellian monstrosity of a ‘leader’; the Rt Hon Lol Borla MP.
